L
Contents of L:
(1904—1963)
U.S. journalistauthor
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
(1923—2002)
U.S. basketball coach
I hope they notice the mistletoe tied to my coattails as I leave town.
(1809—1865)
U.S. President
A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me.
(1809—1865)
U.S. President
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
(1809—1865)
U.S. President
No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
(1809—1865) to Charles A. Dana (1819—1897), April 14, 1865
When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run.
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
I hate to spread rumors--but what else can one do with them.
(1918--)
U.S. advice columnist
People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.
(1918—2002)
U.S. advice columnist
Know thyself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
(1918—2002)
U.S. advice columnist
Never put off until tomorrow what can be avoided altogether.
U.S. writerspeaker
You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.
The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings.
(1898—1989), Canadian actress
In my own experience, anyone can paint if he doesn't have to.
(1898—1963)
English author
You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me.
U.S. cartoonist & copywriter
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
(1775—1834)
British poet
I am determined my children shall be brought up in their father's religion, if they can find out what it is.
(1775—1834)
English poet
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
(1775—1834)
English poet, in 1822
My theory is to enjoy life, but the practice is against it.
(1775—1834)
Essays of Elia
I have been trying all my life to like Scotchmen, and am obliged to desist from the experiment in despair.
(1775—1834),English poet
Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing puzzles me less, for I never think about them.
(1903—1987)
U.S. politician
But if God had wanted us to think with our wombs, why did He give us a brain?
(1903—1987)
U.S. politician
Men love putting women on a pedestal because it's so much more satisfying when they knock them off.
(September 15, 1974)
Male supremacy has kept woman down. It has not knocked her out.
It is unclear from historical documentation which war the Salvation Army fought, but it is apparent from their spoils that they won.
(1947--)
U.S. talk show host
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
(1947--)
U.S. talk show host
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
(1947--)
U.S. talk show host
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
(1863—1945)
English politician
Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around.
U.S. columnist
("Senator Soaper" was his column)
The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.
U.S. columnist
("Senator Soaper")
Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
(1902—1995)
U.S. writer
Apologists for the profession contend that lawyers are as honest as other men, but that is not very encouraging.
(1950--)
U.S. writer
Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
(1950--)
U.S. writer
Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.
(1950--)
U.S. writer
I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.
(1950--)
U.S. writer
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
(1950--), in Social Studies
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
(1950--), interview, 1979
If you enjoy being a girl but, in fact, are not, stay out of the ladies' room.
(1950--), Metropolitan Life, 1978
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
(1950--), Social Studies
No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
(1950--), Social Studies, 1981
Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
U.S. author
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.
(1667—1740)
British prelate, "Scotchmen"
In all my travels I never met with any one Scotchman but what was a man of sense. I believe everybody of that country that has any, leaves it as fast as they can.
(1742—1799), German writer
Sometimes men come by the name of genius in the same way that certain insects come by the name of centipede--not because they have a hundred feet, but because most people can't count above fourteen.
(1742—1799), German writer, Aphorisms
Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinion at all.
(1742—1799), German writer
If all mankind were suddenly to practice honesty, many thousands of people would be sure to starve.
(1742—1799), German writer
What they call 'heart' is located far lower than the fourth waistcoat button.
"People choose the paths that grant them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort."
(1819—1891), US poet
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this--that you are dreadfully like other people.
(1950--)
US comedian & television host
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
(1950--)
U.S. comictalk show host
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
(1950--)
U.S. talk show host/comedian
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In […]
(1950--) U.S. comic and talk show host
For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.
U.S. comediantalk show host, June 2004
Researchers in Germany have found a border collie named Rico that can understand more than 200 words. They also discovered a cat that can ignore over 1000 words.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
English novelist (pseudonym for David Moore Cornwell)
Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing your oxen turned into bouillon cubes.
U.S. journalist, in Esquire, 1969
Politics is a form of astrology--and money is its sign.
(1905—1987), Hollywood producer
You can fool all the people all the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.
(1796—1876), French mathematician
When we ask advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
(1903—1989), Austrian scientist
I believe I've found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It's us.
(570—490 B.C.), Chinese philosopher
A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.
Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
(1779—1848)
English Prime Minister
English physicians kill you, the French let you die.
For any dubious business, expecting the worst case is the only way to avoide a mistake.
(1777—1815)
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
(1777—1815)
True love is like seeing ghosts: we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.
Woe unto ye also, ye lawyers! for ye lade men with burdens grievous to be borne, and ye touch not the burdens with one of your fingers.
Daily Mail
(May 16, 1984)
Powerful men often succeed through the help of their wives. Powerful women only succeed in spite of their husbands.
U.S. comedienne, pianist
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.
(1483—1546), German religious reformer
God created Adam lord of all living creatures, but Eve spoiled it all.
(1483—1546), German religious reformer
If you're not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there.
U.S. cartoonist
The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.
(1839—1910)
U.S. humorist
I wasn't born in a log cabin, but my family moved into one as soon as they could afford it.
(1649-May 1692)
English playwright, on being committed to Bedlam
They called me mad, I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me.
(1906-- ), TV personality in US
There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased that line.
(1906-- ), TV personality in US
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility. There are so few of us left.
(1922—1985)
English poet
I wouldn't mind seeing China if I could come back the same day.
(1885—1933)
U.S. author
Frenchmen drink wine just like we used to drink water before the Prohibition.
(1885—1933), "How to Write Short Stories"
A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor.
Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of--but do it in private, and wash your hands afterwards.
U.S. sociologist
It was a non-smoker who committed the first sin and brought death into the world and all our woe.
U.S. sociologist
Games are the last resort of those who do not know how to socialize.
(1951--)
U.S. conservative
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
(1910—1991)
U.S. cultural critic
No author dislikes to be edited as much as he dislikes not to be published.
(1911—1980)
U.S. humorist
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
(1911—1980)
U.S. humorist
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
(1911—1980), You Don't Have to Be in Who's Who to Know What's What
The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.
(1869—1944), Canadian humorist
A sportsman is a man who, every now and then, simply has to get out and kill something. Not that he's cruel. He wouldn't hurt a fly. It's not big enough.
(1869—1944), Canadian humoristeducator
God takes care of fools, drunks, and the United States of America.
(1869—1944), Canadian humoristeducator, Literary Lapses, 1910
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
(1869—1944), Literary Lapses, 1910
I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.
(1945--)
U.S. comedian
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
(1956--)
U.S. boxer
We've all been blessed with God-given talents. Mine just happens to be beating people up.
U.S. baseball player
Experience is the worst teacher; it gives the test before presenting the lesson.
(1913—1970)
U.S. football coach
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
(1913—1970)
U.S. football coach
Win any way you can as long as you can get away with it. Nice guys finish last.
(1779—1848)
English Prime Minister
It is tiresome to hear education discussed, tiresome to educate, and tiresome to be educated.
A philosopher is a person who gives other people advice about troubles he hasn't had.