H
Contents of H:
(1890—1971)
English politicianwriter
Thank heaven, I have given up smoking again!...God! I feel fit. Homicidal, but fit. A different man. Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, nervy, perhaps; but the lungs are fine.
(1894—1963)
English novelist
Consistency is contrary to nature, contrary to life. The only completely consistent people are the dead.
(1894—1963)
English novelist
Like every man of sense and good feeling, I abominate work.
(1894—1963)
English novelist
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
(1924--)
U.S. politician, in a 1983 TV interview
That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude.
(1899—1980)
U.S. film-maker
There is nothing quite so good as burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating.
(1925—2000)
U.S. humorist
San Francisco columnist
We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time.
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
(1899—1977 )
U.S. educator
Whenever I feel the urge to exercise coming on, I lie down until it passes over.
(1934--), Australian comedian
Australia is an outdoor country. People only go indoors to use the toilet, and that's only a recent development.
(1924—1992)
English comedian
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
(1924—1992)
English comedian
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
(October 1958)
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
(1836—1902)
U.S. journalistauthor
Nobody shoulders a rifle in defense of a boarding house.
U.S. Congressman
Behind every successful man stands a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
There are only about twenty murders a year in London, and not all are serious. Some are just husbands killing their wives.
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex. But Congress can.
(1889--)
Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.
(1889—1966)
U.S. humorist
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
Search for meaning, eat, sleep. Search for meaning, eat, sleep. Die, search for meaning, search for meaning, search for meaning.
(1866—1921)
British mystery writer
Though he might be more humble, There's no police like Holmes.
(1853—1937)
U.S. humorist
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old.
(1853—1937)
U.S. journalist
Everyone has something ancestral, even if it is nothing more than a disease.
(1853—1937)
U.S. journalist
None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The records do not show that Adam and Eve were married.
(1853—1937)
U.S. journalist
We love the Lord, of course, but we often wonder what he finds in us.
(1853—1937), American journalist
Even if a farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start.
(1856—1915)
U.S. editorpublisher
Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.
(1856—1915)
U.S. editorpublisher
So long as governments set the example of killing their enemies, private citizens will occasionally kill theirs.
(1856—1915)
U.S. editorpublisher
To escape criticism--do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
(1856—1915)
U.S. editorpublisher, in Philistine, 1909
Life is just one damned thing after another.
(1856—1915)
U.S. publisher
If you can't answer a man's argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
(1856—1915)
U.S. publisher
No one needs a vacation so much as the person who has just had one.
(1856—1915)
U.S. publisher
The graveyards are full of people the world could not do without.
(1856—1915)
U.S. publisher
You can lead a boy to college, but you cannot make him think.
(1856—1915)
U.S. publisherauthor
This will never be a civilized country until we expend more money for books than we do for chewing gum.
(1856—1915), The Note-Book, 1927
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
Your friend is that man who knows all about you, and still likes you.
(1902—1983)
U.S. union leader
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
(1902—1983), The Passionate State of Mind, 1955
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
(1899—1961)
U.S. novelist
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
(1915—2001)
British astronomer
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
(1833—1917), Ohio Representative, nicknamed "Old Figgers"
Figure won't lie, but liars will figure.
(1770—1831), German philosopher
We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.
(1920--)
U.S. columnist
Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon, or not all.
It's a city where everyone mutinies but no one deserts.
(1797—1856), German poet
One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged.
(1797—1856), German poet
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they have been hanged first.
(1797—1856), German poet
I do not know if she was virtuous, but she was ugly, and, with a woman, that is half the battle.
(1797—1856), German poet
Those who have drained the cup of joy in this world will have a hangover in the next.
U.S. actress, (1900—1993), at age 73.
The hardest years in life are those between 10 and 70.
(1874—1964)
U.S. President
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
When you deal with your brother, be pleasant, but get a witness.
(65—8 B.C.), Roman satirist
Not gods, nor men, nor even booksellers have put up with poets being second-rate.
(65—8 B.C.), Roman satirist
Sports begets tumultuous strife and wrath, and wrath begets fierce quarrels and war to the death.
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give a man a stick of TNT, there will be little unidentifiable fish parts all over the village.
(18601921),U.S. musician, critic
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison, and drugs are really expensive in prison.
(1497?--1580?)
English dramatist
There is more to marriage than four bare legs in a bed.
A dog is not almost human, and I know of no greater insult to the canine race than to describe it as such.
(1888—1962)
British poet, author
I take politics only medicinally, as a cure of occasional attacks of insomnia.
(1868—1930)
U.S. humorist
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends.
(1868—1930)
U.S. humorist
Bees are not as busy as we think they are. They just can't buzz any slower.
(1868—1930)
U.S. humorist
Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count.
(1868—1930)
U.S. humorist
I'll bet the hardest thing about prize fightin' is pickin' up yer teeth with a boxin' glove on.
(1868—1930)
U.S. humorist
It's going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it.
(1868—1930)
U.S. humorist
There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.
(1868—1930)
U.S. humorist
We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate.
(1865—1959)
U.S. author
If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
(1929--)
U.S. cartoonist, "Silvia"
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
(William S. Porter, 1862—1910)
U.S. short story writer
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
(1863—1935)
U.S. authorillustrator
Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings.
(1863—1935)
U.S. poet
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often..
(1863—1935)
U.S. poet
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
(1863—1935)
U.S. poet
When I go abroad, I always sail from Boston because it is such a pleasant place to get away from.
(1863—1935),U.S. poet
There are more fish taken out of a stream than ever were in it.
(1809—1894)
U.S. essayist & poet
I firmly believe that if the whole materia medica could be sunk to the bottom of the sea, it would be all the better for mankind, and all the worse for the fishes.
(1809—1894)
U.S. essayist, poet
You may have genius. The contrary is, of course, probable.
(1841—1935)
U.S. jurist
A man who takes half a page to say what can be said in a sentence will be damned.
Man has his will--but woman has her way!
Nature is in earnest when she makes a woman.
(1918--)
U.S. radio commentator
In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.
U.S. comedienne
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
(1933--), Irish actor
I've formed a new group called Alcoholics Unanimous. If you don't feel like a drink, you ring another member and he comes over to persuade you.
You may have a dog that won't sit up, roll over or even cook breakfast, not because she's too stupid to learn how but because she's too smart to bother.
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
(1907—1988), US science-fiction novelist
Being intelligent is not a felony. But most societies evaluate it as at least a misdemeanor.
(1907—1988)
U.S. sci-fi writer
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
(1907—1988)
U.S. sci-fi writer, in novel The Moon is a Harsh Mistress
Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins.
(1907—1988), Time Enough for Love
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
(1907—1988), US science-fiction novelist
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
(1896—1963)
U.S. baseball player
I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.
(1872—1956)
U.S. author
Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.
(March 1987)
It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
Son, don't ever brag about poverty, and don't be ashamed of it. Just get rid of it as fast as you can.
The pessimist sees only the tunnel;
the optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel;
the realist sees the tunnel and the light--and the next tunnel.
(1825—1895)
English scientist
Men are very queer animals--a mixture of horse-nervousness, ass-stubbornness, and camel-malice.
God created women because He couldn't teach sheep how to type.
U.S. author, editor, and critic
Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week
(1778—1830)
English essayist
Ladies grow handsome by looking at themselves in the glass.
(1926—1985)
U.S. feminist
I do not refer to myself as a 'housewife' for the reason that I did not marry a house.