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I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea--massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.
Advice is like kissing: It costs nothing and it's a pleasant thing to do.
I don't know if there are men on the moon, but if there are, they must be using the earth as their lunatic asylum.
If the British can survive their meals, they can survive anything.
Do not try to live forever. You will not succeed.
If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example.
(1856—1950), "Maxims for Revolutionists"
When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity.
(1856—1950), "The Impossible Irish," 1907
Put an Irishman on the spit and you can always get another Irishman to turn him.
(1856—1950), "The Shewing Up of Blanco Posnet"
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.